Standing In The Way Of Control.

This could be really long or quite brief. I'm not sure.
Anyway. Here it goes.

I live with dickheads. Selfish, messy dickheads. The house smells weird. My room is fine. It's clean and tidy (like myself). The frontroom has takeaway boxes and shit everywhere. Yes, they are fat the two I live with. But so am I. However, they do make me look quite "slim" compared to them anyway. They haven't spoken to me in a week. I'm not sure what I've done. Actually, I've probably done nothing..I know I've done fuck all to upset them.
Last Tuesday I went to Hols because I was sick of being in this house because of how they are being. So, I went the back way. Locked the back door. They were out,so I assumed they had a key between them. They usually do.
I'm on the train to Hols. I've probasbly just left Hampton-In-Arden at this point, and I get a text "Where are you? We're locked out." I replied with "Coventry."
I didn't get a reply after that. I told a few people, and they were like- "they deserve it" and stuff. Karma always gets you. However, they are still being dicks.

I'm not going to clean up the kitchen or frontroom because I'm hardly in. And if I am in, I'm mainly in my room. If I use the kitchen, I clean up straight away (my mum's going to love me even more over Christmas!)
The bin doesn't have a binbag in it, they've just chucked stuff in it. The rubbish has to be put out today. Wankers.
They talk to me like I'm stupid(which I'm clearly not)-that's when they do talk to me. But, most of the time I'm ignored. If they go out, they never ask if I want to go.

They can't stand Hol or any of my mates. I have no idea why. I remember when my best mate from back home came over in April, they just talked to her like she was shit basically. They do it to Hol too. But Hol doesn't like them either. Neither do Eirinn and Luke.
I know they get pissy that I go to Hols a lot. But her housemates are seriously awesome. They actually like me and don't mind me being there. And, they're ALL tidy. They also don't have a fucking budgie.

I've pretty much had enough. I know it sounds so pathetic, but you have no idea what it's like. My mum's coming over on Friday. If I don't tell her how shite it is, then Hol probably will.

Also, one of them keeps going on about these guys she likes but they don't like her and stuff. It's all she ever goes on about. She is so fucking self centered. It's boring and lame.
Nobody cares who likes you and who doesn't. Simple as.

I'm fucking miserable.

i never thought i'd say this, but right now i wish i was at home. in the fucking isle of man. why? because i am totally living with the wrong people.
i don't like being woken up at fucking 3 in the fucking morning by drunken wankers. nor do i like being woken up at fucking half 9 with someone banging on my bedroom door wanting me to turn the internet on. fucking hell.
they can get pissed at me for not paying them for stuff THEY have bought. it's stuff that i won't fucking use.
also, i've done the washing up and tidied the house. what happened? they turned it into a shithole again. so basically,i'll do MY washing up and keep my room tidy.
also, i don't appreciate people doing drugs in the house either.
i also think its a bit wrong when someone has a boyfriend they love, yet they fuck their ex a few times a week when they come round.
THE WORD "NO" EXISTS FOR A REASON.

the less time i spend here, the better. but i have nowhere to go.
they don't like hol, and i have no idea why. infact, they don't like any of my mates. i don't think they even like me. i don't mind anyway. one of them talks to me like i'm fucking retarded and treats me like it too.
actually, a few people do it too. i'm nearly 21. i'm not a fucking child.
i'm beyond pissed off.

bring on june.

it's pretty lame when all you have is a junkies record to explain how you feel.



An ending fitting for the start
You twist and tore our love apart
Your light fingers threw the dark
That shattered the lamp and into darkness cast us...

No, you've got it the wrong way round
You shut me up and blamed it on the brown
Cornered the boy, kicked out at the world... the world kicked back
Alot fuckin' harder...

If you wanna try, if you wanna try There's no worse you could do (oh oh oh)
I know you lie (I know you lie)
I'm still in love with you (oh oh oh)

Can't take me anywhere (I'll take you anywhere)
Can't take me anywhere (I can't take you anywhere)
I'll take you anywhere you wanna go

No, you can't stand me now, no you can't stand me now
No, you can't stand me now, no you can't stand me now
No, you can't stand me now, no you can't stand me now
No, you can't stand me now, no you can't stand me now

Have we enough to keep it together?
Or do we just keep on pretending (and hope our luck is never ending)... oh

You tried to pull the wool, I wasn't feeling too clever
And you take all that they're lending
Until you needed mending...

If you wanna try
If you wanna try
There's no worse you could do (oh oh oh)

I know you lie
All you do is make me cry
All those words that ain't true

Can't take me anywhere (can't take you anywhere)
Can't take me anywhere (wouldn't take you anywhere)
I'll take you anywhere you wanna go

No, you can't stand me now, no you can't stand me now
No, you can't stand me now, no you can't stand me now
No, you can't stand me now, no you can't stand me now
No, you can't stand me now, no you can't stand me now

i feel like such a wanker for writing in here. i never use it. but its the only place i can write something without a certain bunch of people reading it, and leaving pathetic hugs which are seriously...pathetic. and wank.

so.

i feel something, that i probably..at my age shouldnt be feeling. sure, i've felt like it before. and before it's been bad. but this time, it actually isn't. whats pissing me off is that i feel this way. but i can't say anything because everything seems like a competition. like, if i feel like shite and i tell someone.. i get the " i know how you feel" or "i've felt like that" or "yeah, i feel bad too because....."
so i just don't talk. if i'm honest, i'm cool with not talking about stuff. i'd much rather listen to a decent cd and write a song. why? because it doesn't challenge me in a way that i just can't deal with.

also.
i keep going over and over something someone said to me the other day which has made me stupidly insecure. it's really fucked my head up a little bit. but, i cannot say a word because i know what will happen. so, i'm playing sitautions and conversations over and over my head at night..so i don't really sleep that well. i know i deserve it. i've been a complete dick these few months.
icanthackdistance.

also.
being back home is soul destroying. it destroys everything i've done since being at uni. i'm a strong person, i know that. i've not hurt myself in months. not once have i wanted to since being at home. i honestly don't know how i've got through it. probably listening to music and pretending to be ill.

and.
yr meant to get blood test results a day or two after you've had them done. it's been a week, and they say they've not recived anything. i'm used to feeling like shite..its when i feel a bit better i start to be concerend.
i cannot be arsed anymore with it.

part of me wants a bus to smack me in the side..but then.. i get back up and carry on walking. unhurt...just to prove something.
i have no idea whats up with me...well, that could be a lie. i know whats up with me. i just..urgh..feel lame and stuff.
i know how all this works.
i know how people responde.

16 days til i go back to uni.
16 days.
thankfuckforthat.

I have no idea when I last wrote in here.

If I have to go for another blood test, I'll like...I dunno.
Two fucking years now.
You'd think they'd have told me what it was by now.
Dickheads.

I want to go home or something.

I want my mum. I know I sound like a cunt, but I really really want my mum.

I am quite possibly going to be living with the wrong people next year.

I may not bother going back.

I don't need to.

I am starting to wonder what the hell I'm doing here. Not just uni, life in general. If you want, you can assume I want to die. You may not be too far off. I'm not sure.

I don't like talking about how I feel because, I just hate explaining it. You get it or you don't- chances are you don't.So, I don't talk. I just act like a cunt to whoever it is that tries to talk to me. You, you and YOU.
I don't see why I need to explain.

There are a fuck load of chances for me to to write for online music magazines, yet I don't do it. I want to..I just can't. I guess it's rejection. It happens most of the time..I just want it to stop. But, nothing is easy.

I'd go on, but I don't know what to say.

I am wasting time and money by being at uni.

I have to write 1000 about a festival, an album being released in May/June and a gig.

I have no interest in it at all.

I honestly don't get why I am here.

I don't believe in music anymore. There is nothing to believe in. I don't want commercial bollocks like Razorlight or Arctic Monkeys.
I don't want something that sounds like something else.

I know it's pathetic, but really...fuck it.

I have fuck all to say because it'll make me sound like a wanker.

I WANT TO FUCKING CRY.

I'm off home tomorrow for...just over a week. Can't wait actually.

I went into town with Shaun and got my nephew a few presents from the Disney Store, and I've got something for my niece that I got in London a few weeks ago.
She's too fat/young for an Easter Egg! :p

Me and Shaun were in kitchen last night til half 2 this morning making pancakes! I made 2..they looked a bit anemic lol. I hate pancakes.

I need to stop being a cunt to a certain person, but maybe I'm like that with everyone. I don't push people away anymire. I just don't actually speak if something is bothering me because usually I can deal with it straight away. I write a song, and I'm good.
Apparently I'm talented..but I don't see it. It's just something I do.
Every song I've written doesn't tell a story and not all of them are about me. Some are about me, some are about people I know or things I've seen that day.
I just don't like it if someone goes "that's about...." It usually isn't so..in your faaaace.

I am so tired.

I still haven't got anywhere to do my work placement. One got back to me, they say they're based in Rome!
I just want to work for a music magazine in Birmingham. That's all. But they're not replying to me. I don't want to go into radio, I hate my voice. I don't EVER want to go into television because I hate how it works and I hate how I look. I just want my own music magazine, even if it's something small ya know. I just want it. I want my own book shop. It'll specialise in alternative/cult fiction and have sooo many music magazines, including mine. Maybe start up a fanzine. I know I can do it, and I know I will. I just need to..stop messing around. Not leave tihngs half done. I don't knwo why I do it. But, with music/writing...I never leave it alone. I love it more than I probably should, but it's not hurting anyone.

I just need to find somewhere decent to have my book shop. I have a few places in mind. I just hope it isn't like Black Books!

I have a mini afro. I look ace/retarded.

Anyway, I was having a nap before, and I was probably dreaming as i was dribbling a bit. Yeah, I'm dead attractive!
Annnnnnnd, I got woken up by that twat next door again...fucking snoring!

So I got Jon, Sean and Shaun to hear it. Jon decided to go down the corridoor shouting "YOU KNOW, I FEEL LIKE SLAMMING SOME DOORS. YOU KNOW..JUST SLAMMING SOME DOORS. YOU KNOW!" and just started slamming the kitchen door! That boy is now a legend. The twat didn't stop snoring, but we had a laughing fit. I can't stop giggling if I think about it!

Today I have tidied my room and handwashed some clothes.

When I'm here, I can hardly sleep because of that twat next door. It's like he's in my room snoring. It's disgusting.

I need to write up some album reviews and send them to some online magazine I got in touch with.

My mum text me this morning saying she's proud of me. Aww. Least someone is. Then again, there's not really anything to be proud of.

I helped Hol move her stuff out of uni for Easter yesterday, I met her mum. She's really really cool. I like her. Really tall!

It was snowing her like half an hour ago...now the sun is out. Odd.

I met Gossip last Monday.

Damn near everything I own of thier shiz is signed.
Happy? Deffo!

I've been to Oxford and London this weekend.

I like London a lot. £20 to go on buses, trains and tubes..not bad! God bless my railcard!
I may go to London more often ;)

Oxford is just beautiful.

Brand New- Sunday 11th February- Birmingham Carling Academy.

I shall mention the support act (mewithoutyou) but I really have nothing to say about them apart from –they were utter shite. No stage presence whatsoever, but they do have an accordion! I just hope the singer learns how to play the damn thing!

Okay folks, main event. Jesse steps onto the stage. Just him and a guitar, he serenades the crowd with “Jude Law and the Semester Abroad.” Bloody beautiful. They play four more tracks from the debut (classic) album, ‘Your Favourite Weapon.’
Straight after the last song they play from that album, they launch into the intro from the second (classic) album- ‘Deja Entendu’ and play all but one song from the album. The crowd sing a long, and some are in tears. It is easy to see why. The whole demeanour of Brand New on stage tonight is hard to put into words, but it is damn close to perfect. The end of “Sic Transit Gloria….Glory Fades” is a prime example of perfection- the whole crowd yell: “DIE YOUNG AND SAVE YOURSELVES!” I have never seen a crowd react to a band like this, and I probably never will. At this point I am covered in goose bumps and on the verge of tears. The atmosphere in here is so pure and beautiful.
“Guernica” is one of my favourite songs by them, and as Jesse sings this sing he is pointing and singing to the sky. You can’t help but feel every single word he is singing. It is too beautiful for words.

After a brief interval, Brand New play some songs from their latest (classic) release, ‘The Devil and God Are Raging inside Me.’
They play 5 tracks, and each of them leaves us all in awe. Personally, “Degausser” did it for me. You’d think it’d be difficult to carry a song like that live- but they do it effortlessly but with sheer passion. This gig is worth more than £13.50!
I managed to get another gig injury; I couldn’t help but to keep banging my hand on the barrier. It’s the hand I write with. It’s bruised and it hurts like a bitch.
Like I am ever going to learn my lesson!

On Monday, me and Hol made our way to Manchester from her's. Whilst on the train, I noticed a young man that looked mighty familiar.
I turned to Hol, and informed her that the drummer from The Long Blondes was infront of us. She didn't believe me.
We still carried on singing the whole album on the train. I like doing that.

We then got to Manchester where Hol pretty much dragged me to Virgin Megastore, I was convinced we wouldn't make it but we did.
Waited in line for a bit. Foubd out only 3 band members were there as two were ill. One of them was Kate- so there was no performance. Gutted.
But, it got better.

So, it's my turn. I go up to the table. And this guy says to me "Were you on the train today? Sat behind me?" I said yes, so he wrote on my album cover " To Olivia, hope you enjoyed the train!" and he (Screech), Dorian and Emma signed my album. I told them to not split up in the next 3 years because I'm writing about them at uni for the next 3 years! They agreed!

'twas a good day. I love The Long Blondes.

Also, I've been given a contact to interview Gossip- but the guy hasn't got back to me..so I highly doubt it won't happen.

So, Friday night me and Hol went to the lovely city of Birmingham to see a beautiful band called Nightmare Of You. They weren't fantastic, but I got to meet Brandon. I got a hug and two handshakes. I spent £30 on merchandise, he seemed rather happy. I was more than happy to spend that much as he was selling the merch- not some random fool. Bless NOY!

I've just found out today that The Long Blondes are doing an instore signing/performance next Monday in Manchester. I am rather glad I don't have lectures on a Monday.

I got called a "hermit" today. I used to get called that back home. It is rather true, but I'm not arsed about it. During the day, I'll go out and be around people. But in the evening, I just want to be by myself.

My money seems to be going on books, and not cds. However, the books are music related, so it's all good.
I read a 400 page book in 3 days. Chuffed.
I like reading.

My mum is being an arse to me. She made me cry most of the weekend. I also hurt myself a bit, fuck knows why actually. Don't make me explain my thoughts, you know I can't.

I spent Saturday til this morning looking after Hol because she's ill. I'm quite good at looking after people...I love and care about. I couldn't do it to someone I didn't give a fuck about.

I spilt Dr Pepper on my phone, so I got a new one. It's alright. I'm a sell-out...I have a phone with a camera.

NME are looking for writers. If I had some motivation in me, I'd do something. But right now, I have too much stuff on my mind to focus.

My right arm looks like a junkies arm. I've had two blood tests..Monday and today. They can never find a vein to take blood out of. Oh well.
Apparently there's something up with my liver. They've probably made a mistake. I'm fine. I know I am.

I'm starting to get pissed off at a few people.

Firstly- Don't ask me what you should or shouldn't do. I'm not responsible for your actions or anything like that. Do what you want. Keep me out. I have my own stuff to deal with, yeah? Good.

Secondly- If I say I'm a cunt, you don't question it. I am what I say I am. Does it upset you? I don't care. Go find someone else to be friends with. "Cunt is just a word. I'm calling me one, not YOU. Get a grip.

Thirdly- I'm pissed off that Ashanti and T.I. are on a new Tupac song. Two talentless fucks..well, actually..I don't mind T.I....but yeah, I know my point. No one cares about it. I'll keep it to myself.

Like the rest of it.

I swear the majority of people that live on this fucking Island are complete and utter twats. I used to know some of them, but I then learnt they were users and the like, so I moved on. And I have done it very very well.
This year I have :
-read fucking good books.
-bought fucking good music
-written some fucking good songs
-seen some fucking amazing bands.
-ended up in hopsital after a gig because I was having a fucking good time.
-had Beth from Gossip fucking smile and sing at me.
-my niece was born (I won't swear for that one)
-gone to fucking uni and doing a course that is fucking wicked.
-made some fucking good friends there that I fucking miss and can't wait to see in 12 days.
-met some fucking good people, and have probably pissed them off a lot (that'll be Ash and Hol then)

So yeah, this year was fucking brilliant. I have no compliants. I'd say I have my health back, but if it fucks up-it'a my own fault. However, I don't have anything to moan and bitch about. I am a very lucky bastard. I'm not expecting next year to be better or worse. I expect and ask for nothing. There's no point in sitting on your arse thiniing the world owes you, that something good should happen to you etc. Get off your arse and do something instead of complaining.
Fuck off wanting to die and fuck off hurting myself. I've had someone fucking cry right infront of me because they hated how bad I felt. That was an arse kicking I needed. I have nothing to feel bad about. I don't live on that fucking Island anymore. All the shit that happened there-STAYS there. I'm not taking it with me.
I thought I'd end up doing something retarded whilst being back at home. But the thing is, I've hardly seen my "friends"..yeah, I know who my real mates are. They don't reside on the Isle of Man.
I'm growing up, and I fucking love it. I love making decisions for myself. Regardless of how big or small they are. Hell..I've even handed my work in early at uni, which means I have fuck all to do. I know the old me would have just left it until last minute. But, when you have the chance to do something you love- you don't leave it alone. You hold onto it, and work your arse off.
I have a gig to go to every month until April. I'll review some of them, cry at some of them and sing. And probably end up in hospital after I see Gossip, and Hol can sit with me for 4 hours again. Ha! Jokes.

I've accepted that my dad was a prick and didn't want me. Thus, have stopped missing him because he's not worth it.

I've learnt my brother is a dick, and is rather selfish.

I've learnt who my real friends are.

I've been nice, miserable, a twat, a fucking good friend, a loser, a loner..but most of all..I've been very very very very fucking happy this year.
So, I may now sound like an arrogant twat..just because I am happy? Ahh well, we always get what we deserve in time.
No, you don't deserve to be hit, spat at, pushed, beaten, raped, scared, alone, unloved, punished, hurt yourself, want to die...and such things. You deserve to know your worth. My English teacher once said it's important to know your worth.

I'm not a worthless bastard. One person in particular has showed me that, with help of others.